Zoonami by Adam Millard

Author:Adam Millard [Millard, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Strangehouse Books
Published: 2016-01-16T05:00:00+00:00

11

Despite being one of the greatest British actresses of a generation—or three, if we’re being entirely honest—Dame Judi Dench had quite a potty-mouth on her. Even Vera Hunt blushed as Dench cursed after hitting the skylight with the Zimmer frame for the umpteenth time. “It’s as if it’s made of cunting steel!” Dench said, breathless for the first time since Vera and she had joined forces.

Water had almost filled the hall. It was amazing how airtight an old community centre could be. It appeared the only hole in the entire structure was the one allowing the water in, which just went to show that they no longer make them like they used to.

“I can’t…doggy-paddle…for much…longer,” Vera said. Her arms and legs were like spaghetti, and every few seconds her head dropped below the water, only for Dench to pull her back up.

“You can!” Judi Dench said, slamming the Zimmer into the glass once again. “We’re going to get out of here! And when we do, you’re going to make Judith Chalmers’ life a living hell!”

Vera, freshly spurred on, began to kick and paddle more vigorously.

“Now, if I could just make a cunting crack.”

Dench launched the Zimmer frame upwards, which was easier said than done since it was all but submerged, and then…

A tiny spiderwebbing crack appeared at the centre of the skylight, stretching outwards, random cracks beginning to appear off it.

“You…gargle...did it!” Vera screeched. They were going to survive, and all because Vera had had the good fortune of hooking up with an MI6-trained thespian. If that wasn’t God’s way of saying live life to the fullest, she didn’t know what was.

The next time Dench hit the skylight with the geriatric walking aid, glass rained inwards, peppering the rising water with hundreds of miniature shards. As she went about breaking the glass at the edges so that they could climb out without losing bits of their sagging bodies, she said, “Did I tell you about the time Pierce Brosnan bought me a fifteen-inch black vibrator for Christmas?”

“Can we not do this right now?” Vera could practically smell the freedom a few inches above their heads. The sun was still beating down out there, and Vera wanted to get into it as quickly as possible. The heat would soon dry them off.

“You go first,” Judi Dench said. She hooked a hand over the edge of the skylight and offered the other to Vera, who stared at it as if it were a bunch of rotten bananas. “Go on. There’re a lot of dead old people down here. The sooner we get out, the less chance we’ve got of catching Alzheimer’s.” Actually, the sooner they got out, the more chance they had of living long enough to get Alzheimer’s.

Vera didn’t like the sound of that and so used Judi Dench’s hand to push herself up. Hooking a gnarled old elbow over the edge of the skylight, she managed to pull herself through, and the moment her trailing foot left the murky seawater, she felt instantly better.

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